Anomaly-078
Anomaly No.: 078 Anomaly Codename: Jealous Bench Anomaly Rating: Anomaly Class: Sentient Object Containment Protocols The park that inhabits is to remain under DPA jurisdiction for the forseeable future. As all attempts to remove from its territory have been met with failure, the park must remained quarantined. All unauthorized persons attempting to enter the boundaries of the park should be detained. The park's location has been removed from all GPS-based phone applications such as Google Maps to prevent non-DPA personnel from finding the park. Structures should only be built in the park for testing purposes only. All vehicles and research equipment must remain outside of the park's perimeter. When not being subjected to tests or interviews, Anomaly-078's behavior should be monitored at all times. Any deviations from its normal behavior must be logged. Anomaly Description Anomaly-078 is a wooden park bench made primarily of oak and southern yellow pine located in a 50-acre park in CENSORED, New York. The anomaly measures 1.83 meters in width with a seat 0.41 meters above the ground. Anomaly-078 weighs approximately 40.82 kilograms. The wood making up Anomaly-078's form is suffering from early stages of dry rot. In addition, numerous scratches and patches of decay are present on the wood, indicating that the bench has been on the park premises for some time. No marks of any kind indicating a manufacturer have been found, possibly indicating that the park's owner constructed the bench themselves. Anomaly-078 is sentient and possesses the intelligence of an average adult human. While it is known that Anomaly-078 is capable of movement, it has never been observed moving while within a direct line of sight. When not in a direct line of sight, Anomaly-078 is capable of moving at incredibly high speeds. Anomaly-078's secondary anomalous properties manifest whenever another artificial structure, such as another bench or a piece of playground equipment, is constructed within the boundaries of the park. At approximately 11:00 PM on the night of the structure's construction, Anomaly-078 will teleport to its location and sit next to it. Anomaly-078 will then proceed to dismantle the offending structure, leaving the debris randomly strewn about the surrounding area. This destruction process has never been directly observed due to Anomaly-078 remaining immobile when looked at; this remains the case when hidden cameras are focused on it. The severity of the destruction does not seem to depend on what type of structure is built; the only exception is that playground slides seem to receive much more brutal treatment than other types of structures. Supplementary Information |-|Interview Log 078-A= CONTEXT: It was discovered after trial-and-error that Anomaly-078 could be communicated with by writing on a piece of paper and leaving it on Anomaly-078's seat overnight. When this was attempted, a response was found written in barely legible handwriting the next morning. The following written interview was conducted by on-site researcher Dr. Stanford over a period of 8 days, each night consisting of a single question and answer. All responses have been left unedited aside from making some slightly more coherent. *'Dr. Stanford:' Hello, Anomaly-078. My name is Dr. Standford. Can you understand me when I leave messages on your seat like this? *'Anomaly-078:' Yeah, doc, I can hear you loud and clear. Hey doc, can you tell those stupid park rangers to stop building more fucking benches? Those new guys are cramping my style. *'Dr. Stanford:' This park has been taken under custody by the DPA. The park rangers have been given new occupations. *'Anomaly-078:' The DPA, eh? What's that stand for, the Dipshit Pussy Association? Nah, I'm just fucking with ya. But seriously, don't let anyone be building any fucking slides. *'Dr. Stanford:' We will only be constructing things for testing purposes. *'Anomaly-078:' Don't fucking try me, doc. *'Dr. Stanford:' Anomaly-078, why do you feel the need to destroy other pieces of equipment built here? *'Anomaly-078:' Cuz there ain't enough room here for me and some other dumpy piece of park equipment. What am I supposed to do, let some other bench or god forbid a fucking slide to waltz right in here and hog my thunder? Like hell I ain't. It's my way or the highway. *'Dr. Stanford:' This park has an area of 50 acres. Surely there's sufficient room to accommodate you and other pieces of equipment. *'Anomaly-078:' Stop usin all those big words, doc, ya don't gotta be show-offy about this, I ain't a idiot. And no, there ain't enough room for two benches here. I'm the best fucking bench here, doc. I'm comfy, I got soft cushiony seats, and I got fucking cup holders. What's the point of having another bench in here when you already got me? *'Dr. Stanford:' Anomaly-078, I regret to inform you that you lack both cushions and armrests. *'Anomaly-078:' What are you fucking talking about, doc? You ever sit on me before? I'd remembered if you had, so how the fuck would you know what I feel like? My seat is so fucking soft it's like sitting on a cloud made of baby's asses. *'Dr. Stanford:' Anomaly-078, I sat on you today and I can assure you that your seat is not nearly as soft as you claim. *'Anomaly-078:' If you ask me, you just got a bony ass, doc. I mean, jesus, it felt like your ass was a fucking cinderblock. Why you gotta cramp my style, doc? What do you got against me? *'Dr. Stanford:' I have nothing against you, but you do seem to be unaware of the truth. *'Anomaly-078:' You lying son of a water fountain. Wait a second, did another bench put you up to this? Tell you to talk shit about me to everyone so no one would want to sit on me anymore? Gonna make me spend the rest of my life without anyone to sit on? I bet you been posting lies about how hard my seat is online, haven't you? Wait...a fucking slide told you to do this, didn't it? You been going behind my back and getting all friendly with one of those dirty fucking sliding pons? Get the fuck outta my park, doc, you fucking slide lover. ''NOTE: Following this final correspondence, a stone bench constructed by DPA personnel during a routine experiment was, in addition to being shattered to pieces, found to be surrounded by numerous dead animals including birds and squirrels. The phrase "DOC CAN SUCK MY SEAT" was found written on the nearby sidewalk in blood identified as belonging to the dead animals. Category:Anomalies Category:Code Yellow